February 10, 2005 - 9:02 PM EST

Ah, the toilet paper routine. Many are the comedians who have built their career on a schtick about toilet paper. Let's see. Santina Rosana toilet tissues, named for Rosana Ana Dana from New Jersey (comedienne character on the old Saturday Night Live show). Who in the family puts a roll with the paper coming out on the outside versus the inside, and the psychological ramifications? What did people do before there was toilet paper -- loved the Sear Roebuck catalog, dig your latrine next to a bush with lots of leaves, etc? How to clean yourself when you got the runs from eating bad food and even the softest toilet paper feels like sandpaper? How to economize on toilet paper -- to use just one sheet at a time: first tear a hole in the middle and save that bit of paper, put your finger thru the hole, use that finger to clean yourself, use the single sheet of paper to wipe your finger off, and then use the bit of paper you saved to clean the sh.t under your fingernail.

Love those 1000-sheet rolls from CVS that crinkle like gift wrapping.

Now for the constructive part of my comment. You can soften the paper friction by applying a body cream first, wipe more frequently than usual, and then for the final cleasing wipes, moisten the paper with a bit of water. That is how some of us poor folks have to do it, or else you will get calluses where the moon don't shine.

Slo-Mo the Row Row

February 10, 2005 - 10:52 PM EST

I didn't realize your (_*_) was so sensitive! LOL. Do you need us to send you some Xtra soft Charmins? LOL, cause I'll do it!

February 15, 2005 - 3:15 PM EST

I think I see a use for those Grisham novels....... :).